Togetherness

There was a time when hubbie would go on his golf weekends with the boys (or bowling, etc) and I would look forward to having ME time. You know, hanging with the kids, no cooking, catching up with girlfriends. But I have noticed that in this new era I seem to be at a loss when he is gone. Something is missing, and I don't mean just his adorable snoring, and I find myself being almost overcome with melancholy. Perhaps the difference is in my youth I had no sense of mortality and saw unlimited time together. Now I get a little glimpse of what life would be like without him and it fills me with dread. 

 Yes, I have wonderful friends and family who offer to spend time with me and bonding with my son is a welcome bonus. But the truth is, my life is dependent on that goofy guy who is thoroughly enjoying his second childhood and has never had a happier time. I know I should follow his lead and become involved with the new world now available to us. But with the children grown and most of my friends still working I find myself with many hours with nothing to fill them.

So....enough of this pity party. I need to follow my own favorite philosophy - "in the midst of my darkness I found the sun within myself".  Note it says 'my' darkness.  I believe we are each responsible for our own happiness and to put that on someone else is not only unfair but impossible.  I will become involved in the pursuit of fulfillment and satisfaction.  Perhaps by looking to help others instead of wallowing in self pity I will make my life more meaningful.  Here goes.....

Did I mention...

that I love, love, love my husband?  Yes, he has his moments.  Like planning a golf weekend on my birthday.  But then he ends up having a terrible time because he feels so guilty.  I honestly don't try to make him feel bad.  I know he is not the only man to schedule things without thinking.  But I guess we have our ways, don't we.  Anyway, he is wonderful at trying to make things up to me, overcompensating for the amount of time he has been gone.  Finding just the perfect card that sums up his feelings and getting that tear in his left eye as he tries to hold back.  A man that feels so much emotion he struggles to contain it is one in a million.  And being someone who has always tried to box up feelings and tuck them away, I appreciate his openness.  Just when I decide I am a strong, independent  woman, he comes home and wraps me in his arms and I realize there is nowhere else I would rather be.

Did I mention that?

Happy Birthday to me?

Yes, today is my birthday.  Funny how our day once was a day to celebrate and now it is a reminder of how many years have passed.  Sometimes I feel like a got a very late start...being a good wife, friend, daughter, and sister.  If only I knew then what I know now, or more accurately if I had felt the way I do now years ago.  Confident, generous, kind, trusting, and open have come very late to me, accomplished by facing devastation and years of therapy.  I now understand why I have taken the paths I have and am so grateful that with all of my detours I have ended up here.  I thank God that I have not only been given a second chance, but a third, fourth, fifth...oh, who's counting.  And not just God, but my husband, parents, children, and friends.  There were many years I really did not see this coming - this life filled with people who care and really like me.  I know, I sound like Sally Field, but it is true.  They say you have to love yourself before others can love you, but if that were true I would have had no one.

Now, I feel differently.  And instead of dreading this day I am grateful for a renewal of spirit, an appreciation for what I have, and the opportunity to embrace and revel in each day I am given.  So.....Happy Birthday to Me.

Mother's Day

So today was another Mother's Day.  What I don't understand is why a mother is working her proverbial *** off cleaning, cooking, baking, shopping when it is supposed to be her day?  I am the Mother and yet it is one of the most exhausting days of the year.  Didn't anyone think, when they were creating this Hallmark Holiday, to make rules?  Like - if it is Mother's Day, all those who are not the mother should be doing the cooking, cleaning, baking, etc. And the Mothers get to relax, be pampered, and enjoy their day.  Obviously the creator of this holiday was not a mother - not even a woman.  It was a man who said, yes - let's honor all the mothers in the world by having a day to be presented with cards and flowers and they in turn can cook us a great meal!  What a great idea????

So next year, I think I will take my Mother and we will take Mother's Day off.  Go away somewhere so we can relax and rest.  Oh, and the cards and flowers?  Give them to your Dad.

Explanation

Don't get me wrong - the first part of my life was amazing.  I married the love of my life and we were blessed with two beautiful children.  I was able to be a stay-at-home Mom and enjoyed every minute of it.  Oh, of course there were troubles, but nothing that we could not get through.

The years whizzed by and before we knew it our children were adults with their own wonderful lives.  As that time drew nearer I occasionally had the random thought of what would happen after they left.  I had spent years making them my world with my husband waiting patiently on the sidelines.  As we entered the teenage years, he wanted to make plans of what we would do when the nest became empty.  I, of course, could not imagine that happening and tried to pretend that everything would always be the same. I don't react well to change, and I dug in my heels, refusing to contemplate a world without my little ones.

Then it happened!  They grew up and left me...with Him!  Panic set in and for the first few months I donned mourning clothes and proceeded to grieve for my life.  Really made Him feel great, I'm sure.