Re-Living

This morning I watched an interview of some of the members of the Wounded Warriors Band.  Watched as a young man who has lost both legs and his right arm describe himself as more whole than ever before.  Singing Halleleujah, he described the feeling as his life and dreams crumbled around him and yet he has found new purpose and joy.

And so I remembered my musings on losing my dream life.  Mourning what I have lost.  Grieving over what I had and have no more.  Basically giving up on life and the overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

What timing that this segment should be on television at the exact moment my husband and I were watching.  Because I had not just written my thoughts but had shared them with him.  Probably not what his therapist would list as a supportive gesture.

Because what happened to me watching those brave young men who have lost so much and yet find joy is that I realized that perhaps the life I lost was not the one I was meant to have.  Perhaps the answer is that this is the new dream.  The new path I have been directed to.  How can I question what I have suffered when I still have so much.

I still have my husband and my son.  And if they have changed, perhaps that is what life should be.  Constant change, growth, redirecting.  Appreciating what is here and finding a new dream.  Having faith and trusting is difficult for me.  So perhaps this is learning to trust.

I do have hope.  But not that I will get back what I have lost.  Instead, I will hope that I will find joy once again with what I have now.

Halleleujah!

Self-fulfilling Prophecy

Reading the previous posts I came upon the one about reaching out.  I questioned why, when I am sad or hurt or afraid I turn away from him instead of looking to him for comfort and support.  And I proposed that I was afraid to trust him...afraid that if I did I would find that when I needs him he was not there.

I had a wonderful life...for about 5 seconds.  Not that I would trade all the years we have had together.  But there had been hard times.  I prayed for peace, and finally I felt it.  We had been through hell and had come out on the other side better, stronger, and finally together.  A true marriage, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

And I loved my life.  He bought a motorcycle...his dream come true.  And we rode...just like in the commercials.. He and I together, riding down the road...off into the sunset.  Carefree and happy.

We had raised our children and they were on their own.  Our nest was far from empty, filled with laughter and love, friends and family.  There were magical trips midweek when the rest of the world was working.  We played and had so much fun.

Summer nights on the deck, listening to music and drinking wine.  I saw my girlfriends and we entertained.  We joined a gym and worked out together, enjoying the sweat and admiring the results. We felt healthier and younger than we had in years.

I had the dream come true.  And I loved it.  I told everyone how much I loved my life.  Was that what I did wrong?  Is that what happened?  Because I lost it.  All of it.  My wonderful, beautiful life has been disrupted, displaced, destroyed.

The events of the last 3 years have taken everything I had.  I lost my sense of peace, my laughter, my dreams.  I lost the trust I had finally built.  I turned around and it is gone, replaced by sadness, fear, and hopelessness.

Events have happened that have changed things, changing people, forever?  I don't know.  I don't know why it happened.  I don't know what else is going to come or if I will be able to survive.  So many depending on me and I don't want it.

This is not my life.  I want it back.  And I don't know how to get it.

Reaching Out, Closing In - 2012

I always advised my children that the person you should be with is the one who makes everything better just by being with you.  When the day has been the worse day and you can't wait to go home, knowing that when you are in his arms you will be able to breathe.  And I have been so blessed to have that connection with my husband.  But then why is it when I am afraid, or sad, or worried I turn away?  Instead of wanting his reassurance and compassion, I want distance, retreating to the private place where I can hold all my emotions in.  Is it not having learned to share, or is it fear to trust him and then have him not be there.

It is so unfair to him, I know.  All he wants is to help and I become a tense, angry, impatient woman that he wants to run and hide from.  The very reason to be in a relationship is to not be alone when the world turns upside down.  

Togetherness

There was a time when hubbie would go on his golf weekends with the boys (or bowling, etc) and I would look forward to having ME time. You know, hanging with the kids, no cooking, catching up with girlfriends. But I have noticed that in this new era I seem to be at a loss when he is gone. Something is missing, and I don't mean just his adorable snoring, and I find myself being almost overcome with melancholy. Perhaps the difference is in my youth I had no sense of mortality and saw unlimited time together. Now I get a little glimpse of what life would be like without him and it fills me with dread. 

 Yes, I have wonderful friends and family who offer to spend time with me and bonding with my son is a welcome bonus. But the truth is, my life is dependent on that goofy guy who is thoroughly enjoying his second childhood and has never had a happier time. I know I should follow his lead and become involved with the new world now available to us. But with the children grown and most of my friends still working I find myself with many hours with nothing to fill them.

So....enough of this pity party. I need to follow my own favorite philosophy - "in the midst of my darkness I found the sun within myself".  Note it says 'my' darkness.  I believe we are each responsible for our own happiness and to put that on someone else is not only unfair but impossible.  I will become involved in the pursuit of fulfillment and satisfaction.  Perhaps by looking to help others instead of wallowing in self pity I will make my life more meaningful.  Here goes.....

Did I mention...

that I love, love, love my husband?  Yes, he has his moments.  Like planning a golf weekend on my birthday.  But then he ends up having a terrible time because he feels so guilty.  I honestly don't try to make him feel bad.  I know he is not the only man to schedule things without thinking.  But I guess we have our ways, don't we.  Anyway, he is wonderful at trying to make things up to me, overcompensating for the amount of time he has been gone.  Finding just the perfect card that sums up his feelings and getting that tear in his left eye as he tries to hold back.  A man that feels so much emotion he struggles to contain it is one in a million.  And being someone who has always tried to box up feelings and tuck them away, I appreciate his openness.  Just when I decide I am a strong, independent  woman, he comes home and wraps me in his arms and I realize there is nowhere else I would rather be.

Did I mention that?

Happy Birthday to me?

Yes, today is my birthday.  Funny how our day once was a day to celebrate and now it is a reminder of how many years have passed.  Sometimes I feel like a got a very late start...being a good wife, friend, daughter, and sister.  If only I knew then what I know now, or more accurately if I had felt the way I do now years ago.  Confident, generous, kind, trusting, and open have come very late to me, accomplished by facing devastation and years of therapy.  I now understand why I have taken the paths I have and am so grateful that with all of my detours I have ended up here.  I thank God that I have not only been given a second chance, but a third, fourth, fifth...oh, who's counting.  And not just God, but my husband, parents, children, and friends.  There were many years I really did not see this coming - this life filled with people who care and really like me.  I know, I sound like Sally Field, but it is true.  They say you have to love yourself before others can love you, but if that were true I would have had no one.

Now, I feel differently.  And instead of dreading this day I am grateful for a renewal of spirit, an appreciation for what I have, and the opportunity to embrace and revel in each day I am given.  So.....Happy Birthday to Me.

Mother's Day

So today was another Mother's Day.  What I don't understand is why a mother is working her proverbial *** off cleaning, cooking, baking, shopping when it is supposed to be her day?  I am the Mother and yet it is one of the most exhausting days of the year.  Didn't anyone think, when they were creating this Hallmark Holiday, to make rules?  Like - if it is Mother's Day, all those who are not the mother should be doing the cooking, cleaning, baking, etc. And the Mothers get to relax, be pampered, and enjoy their day.  Obviously the creator of this holiday was not a mother - not even a woman.  It was a man who said, yes - let's honor all the mothers in the world by having a day to be presented with cards and flowers and they in turn can cook us a great meal!  What a great idea????

So next year, I think I will take my Mother and we will take Mother's Day off.  Go away somewhere so we can relax and rest.  Oh, and the cards and flowers?  Give them to your Dad.

Explanation

Don't get me wrong - the first part of my life was amazing.  I married the love of my life and we were blessed with two beautiful children.  I was able to be a stay-at-home Mom and enjoyed every minute of it.  Oh, of course there were troubles, but nothing that we could not get through.

The years whizzed by and before we knew it our children were adults with their own wonderful lives.  As that time drew nearer I occasionally had the random thought of what would happen after they left.  I had spent years making them my world with my husband waiting patiently on the sidelines.  As we entered the teenage years, he wanted to make plans of what we would do when the nest became empty.  I, of course, could not imagine that happening and tried to pretend that everything would always be the same. I don't react well to change, and I dug in my heels, refusing to contemplate a world without my little ones.

Then it happened!  They grew up and left me...with Him!  Panic set in and for the first few months I donned mourning clothes and proceeded to grieve for my life.  Really made Him feel great, I'm sure.