Self-fulfilling Prophecy

Reading the previous posts I came upon the one about reaching out.  I questioned why, when I am sad or hurt or afraid I turn away from him instead of looking to him for comfort and support.  And I proposed that I was afraid to trust him...afraid that if I did I would find that when I needs him he was not there.

I had a wonderful life...for about 5 seconds.  Not that I would trade all the years we have had together.  But there had been hard times.  I prayed for peace, and finally I felt it.  We had been through hell and had come out on the other side better, stronger, and finally together.  A true marriage, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

And I loved my life.  He bought a motorcycle...his dream come true.  And we rode...just like in the commercials.. He and I together, riding down the road...off into the sunset.  Carefree and happy.

We had raised our children and they were on their own.  Our nest was far from empty, filled with laughter and love, friends and family.  There were magical trips midweek when the rest of the world was working.  We played and had so much fun.

Summer nights on the deck, listening to music and drinking wine.  I saw my girlfriends and we entertained.  We joined a gym and worked out together, enjoying the sweat and admiring the results. We felt healthier and younger than we had in years.

I had the dream come true.  And I loved it.  I told everyone how much I loved my life.  Was that what I did wrong?  Is that what happened?  Because I lost it.  All of it.  My wonderful, beautiful life has been disrupted, displaced, destroyed.

The events of the last 3 years have taken everything I had.  I lost my sense of peace, my laughter, my dreams.  I lost the trust I had finally built.  I turned around and it is gone, replaced by sadness, fear, and hopelessness.

Events have happened that have changed things, changing people, forever?  I don't know.  I don't know why it happened.  I don't know what else is going to come or if I will be able to survive.  So many depending on me and I don't want it.

This is not my life.  I want it back.  And I don't know how to get it.